My youngest son is in BC working at a ski resort for the winter season. I called him on Sunday night to see how he was and hear his voice. I miss him - I have not seen him since November.
During our conversation, I learned that he had been offered another contract to work at the resort starting in May to October. He had decided to accept the offer as work opportunities are not exactly plentiful right now here in Ontario. I was happy for him as he has obviously impressed his employer however I was also overcome with sadness as I was looking forward to him coming home in mid April.
I cried when I got off the phone but I could not shake my feelings of disappointment, loss and sadness. Then came the cravings for something to eat. I knew I was not hungry as we had ate dinner earlier. I just wanted something - the urge was powerful and persistent. I asked my husband if he would go get some chips and he declined (thank God!). I then started to think about what we had in the house that might "do the trick".
Next think I knew, I had devoured 4 chocolate chip cookies and a Mr. Big chocolate bar. I do not even really like chocolate bars. These Mr. Big's had been in our closet since before Christmas and I have never been tempted. But right now, they were my target.
After eating the cookies and chocolate bar, I felt terrible. I was overwhelmed with guilt and frustration for having given in to "emotional" eating and my stomach did not feel well. I had fallen victim to the "emotional" eating trap that so many of my clients experience.
Did my eating solve anything? Absolutely not. In fact, it made things worse. I was now mad at myself for giving in to something I try to help others avoid. I had not practiced some of the strategies that I offer others - journaling, reading, make yourself a cup of tea, go for a walk, work on the computer, call someone on the telephone, etc. etc.
However, what I also realized was that my feelings are powerful, legitimate and must be acknowledged in a healthy way. My initial crying was not enough, I needed to do more. Probably cry more, talk and write.
Emotional eating is all about not fully acknowledging, accepting and allowing ourselves to actually feel our emotions. My emotions were deep sadness, loss and disappointment. I did not allow myself to fully feel those emotions - I chose to try to push them away with the temporary pleasure of food. The satisfaction the food brought was very brief and then came the anger at myself for having given in.
My emotions are real and I have to acknowledge that it is okay to allow myself to feel them. It's scary as I really don't think we allow ourselves to go there - to be raw, to be vulnerable, to be real. I guess that is what it means to live in the present and "let it be".
I have more work to do in this area. The next time I find myself craving food, I have to try to stop and allow myself to feel the emotions that I am trying to push away with the food. This is where the real work on finding out more about who I am begins.
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